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| Child with ice cream. Photo by Martin Vorel, libreshot.com. |
The following is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, events and incidents are the products of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events is purely coincidental.
The "Dear Alix" column
As published by The National Post on 16 July 2068
Dear Alix,
Long-time reader, first time writing in. My spouses and I want your advice about our youngest child. A month ago, our eldest turned thirteen and had her gender reveal party. Now the youngest, who’s eight, wants to have a gender reveal party. The eight-year-old has also been dropping hints that they want to declare Girl, just like their elder sister and many of their friends at school. I have two concerns about this: first, that they want to have a party just to have a party and be the center of attention (you know how younger siblings are); and second, that they want to declare Girl because it seems to be the popular thing to do these days.
As I write this, I realize there is also a third reason I hesitate, which is that they seem so young. When I was growing up, I wasn’t even allowed to get my ears pierced until I was thirteen, and we were required by law to wait until the age of 26 and had fully developed brains before declaring a gender. I’m glad that the law has changed, but honestly eight seems so young, not even pre-pubescent yet in my child’s case. Are they trying to grow up too quickly because they want to keep up with their big sister? What if they change their mind later?
My instinct is to tell our child to wait until they reach their sister’s age before declaring a gender, but my spouses say I’m being old-fashioned. Can you help us reach a consensus?
- Your Loyal Reader in the Free Socialist Democracy of Portlandia
Dear Loyal Reader,
This sounds like a time of great growth and change for your family, and I’m glad to know there’s an open line of communication within your family around it.
Forgive me for being blunt, but my instincts are telling me that the questions you raised aren’t the real root of the issue. It is widely known that different people come into their genders at different ages and that some people’s gender changes over time (or even several times in one day). We have systems in place to make it easy for people to change their declared gender as often as they wish. And isn’t it possible that your youngest is drawn to their friends because they all share a similar sense of their gender?
I wonder how much of your resistance to your youngest declaring their gender stems from a concern that they’re not ready, and how much of it is because you aren’t ready. Perhaps what you’re struggling with are the changes happening around you, including your children coming into knowledge of their genders, which, by your own admission, was something that signaled a leaving-behind of childhood in your time?
It’s totally understandable to want your kids to enjoy being kids as long as possible, without having to navigate the sometimes tricky dynamics of gender, and it must be hard for you to think of your youngest wanting to leave behind aspects of childhood so soon after their sibling has left it. But the worst case scenario, as you have framed it, is that your youngest is vying for attention. I urge you to weigh the harm that might be caused by letting them have the attention, against what harm might be caused by not believing them about their gender and readiness to declare.
It’s clear to me that you have a lot of affection for your children and want them to be safe and happy. Let that affection lead you and your spouses to an open dialogue with your youngest, as you must have had with their sister, based in trust and affirmation of your child’s experience.
I want you to have the support you need, too, so I encourage you to find a spouse, friend, support group, or therapist who can help you process your feelings as you adjust to the changes happening in your family.
- Alix
Dear Alix,
I’ve been in a romantic and sexual relationship with Z for about 6 months. During that time, our relationship has followed relationship anarchy and kitchen table polyamory norms. Z has a romantic, asexual partner of about three years, and Z and I have had sexual relationships with other people we’ve dated while seeing each other. Until meeting Z, I’d always thought of myself as solo poly. But as I’ve fallen deeper in love with Z these past couple of months, I’ve noticed stronger feelings of jealousy than what is usual for me, coupled with a strong desire for an intense period of pair-bonding. Z and I have talked about this of course, and she’s asked if changing the terms of our relationship to parallel polyamory, or even if a Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell arrangement might be more comfortable for me.
It’s only within the last couple of days that I realized what I really want is to have Z all to myself. At first the idea horrified me, but as I explored it more within myself, I’ve had to admit that I’ve never been able to get over my paranoia about the sexual health risks inherent in having multiple sexual partners. And although I’ve struggled with jealousy in the past from time to time, I find myself completely unequal to the task of managing my jealousy in this situation. I’ve been working with my therapist on it, and they observed that the feelings and wishes I describe are consistent with an orientation toward monogamy.
I’m afraid to tell Z any of this. What if it scares her off? What about her partner of 3 years? Am I just being possessive? Could I really be monogamous?
- Ashamed in Oklahoma
Dear Ashamed,
I know it’s not a popular view at this moment in history, but I truly believe that some people are wired for monogamy, just as others are wired for polyamory. So yes, I think it’s possible.
A few other possibilities: It might be that a polyamorous arrangement has worked well for you in some relationships, but you’re drawn to a monogamous arrangement in this one. Or that you want a temporary period of monogamy for pair-bonding with Z to explore and develop the strong feelings you have for each other and then, once the partnership feels more secure, would want a polyamorous arrangement with her again. It’s also possible that what you’re experiencing is the result of a perceived imbalance in affection in the relationship: perhaps you aren’t sure whether Z feels as strongly about you as you do about her, and the intense jealousy and desire to have her all to yourself would dissipate once you knew the strength of her feelings and commitment.
In cases like these, it’s common to assume that laying it all out on the table would spell doom for the relationship. While it’s possible that you and Z might not want the same things from this relationship, it’s not a certainty.
Which is why I believe the most important thing right now is to keep being open with Z about what you’re experiencing. Withholding information from Z not only presents a barrier to true emotional intimacy between you, it also means that neither of you have all the information you need in order to make informed decisions about what feels healthy for each of you and where you both want the relationship to go.
I think it says a lot that you’re exploring the important questions about this situation, and I anticipate you have a long road of self-discovery ahead of you. I am glad you have the support of a therapist, and I encourage you to keep talking to them - and to Z - about your observations, feelings, and needs.
- Alix
Note: This piece was originally published on inclusivefuturemag.com on 26 April 2021.
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