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The following is a work of fiction by S.H. Aeschliman. Names, characters, businesses, events and incidents are the products of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events is purely coincidental.
Top 5 Dating Apps for Ace- and Aro-Specs
As published by The National Post on 12 July 2068 C.E.
Long gone are the bad ol’ days of dating sites and apps designed exclusively for cisgender heterosexuals. Gone too are the days when those apps and sites tried to become more inclusive by adding more options for sexuality and gender to their interfaces without making adaptive changes to the matching algorithms, resulting in some extremely awkward and sometimes downright dangerous matches, such as trans people being matched with transphobic people.
And yet it has taken the industry an inordinately long time to come around to creating dating apps that cater to asexual-spectrum and aromantic-spectrum people. It seems they didn’t realize there was actually a market for it. As Jad Tathlow, CEO of Matched 25X said in an interview in 2065, “Why would you date if you want neither sex nor romance?” (Cue rolling my eyes so hard I give myself a headache.) As a result, when ace- and aro-spec people wanted a little New Relationship Energy of our own, we’ve resorted to using dating apps that aren’t made with us in mind.
As someone who is demi-sexual and greyromantic, I’m open to either a sexual or romantic connection or both, but the chances of finding either through a dating app are slim. And yet I still enjoy meeting new people who also want to meet new people. Knowing I can meet up with a new person without the uncomfortable possibility of becoming their romantic or sexual object has always been my dream.
But using traditional dating apps to try to find people to connect with on non-sexual and non-romantic levels has always felt slightly disingenuous to me somehow, as if, by using a dating app, I was “leading people on.” The reality is, most people still associate dating with the search for a sexual or romantic companion, or both. And so even when my dating profile stated quite clearly that I am on the ace- and aro- spectrums, date after date tried to treat me like a romantic or sexual object, leaving me feeling dehumanized, betrayed, and guilty.
In reading about other ace- and aro-spectrum people’s experiences, it seems I was not alone. Despite the ability to state their lack of interest in sex in their profiles, many on the asexual spectrum have still experienced receiving messages from matches who don’t believe them or don’t understand what it means to be asexual.
Back in the day, Aflame was the place for allosexual aromantics to find sexual partners, but again there was no way to filter out alloromantics from potential matches. Awkward doesn’t begin to do justice to the feeling when you realize your sexual partner has begun to develop romantic feelings that you at best don’t share and at worst feel repulsed by.
We aces and aros need our own spaces. Or at the very least, we need spaces that allow us to make it very clear what we are and are not looking for, and for that to be understood and believed in a way we never felt believed when using traditional dating apps. Luckily, the last few years has seen a surge of traditional apps racing to appeal to ace and aro spec people, as well as new apps cropping up like weeds to cater to us.
I’ve spent the last several months researching and narrowing my list down to what I consider to be the top 5 dating apps for ace- and aro-spec people. It should be noted that while my choices are influenced by what I myself would want in a dating app, I also took into consideration common factors that are important to other readers of Inclusive Future Magazine, such as regional availability of the app and the racial and ethnic diversity of its user population. These apps not only have the backing to stick around for a while, but they’re also either specifically targeted to aces or aros (or both), or they have a robust enough algorithm to create a little nook for ace and/or aro people within the larger app.
Unless otherwise noted, all of these apps are available wherever there is Internet, translated into all modern languages, and allow the user to filter potential matches by the following criteria: sexual orientation, romantic orientation, languages spoken, geographical location, race, ethnicity, religion or lack thereof, gender, do/don’t want kids, income, political affiliation, school of ethics, environmental stewardship, ancestral cultures, education, diet, relationship model (often with options that let users get specific about their brands of polyamory), alcohol and drug use, body type, height, hair and eye color. These apps’ usership’s racial and ethnic demographics also closely align with the actual global population’s demographics, as per the 2067 Global Census data.
Most importantly, all matches are cross-referenced, which means a user only sees matches if they also meet the match’s criteria. No more trans and non-binary people matched with transphobes, no more aros matched with alloromantics, no more monogamous aces matched with allosexual people. Rejoice!
#1 ACES & ARROWS
Distinguishing features: A pre-set menu for gender is limited to only a dozen options and therefore does not cover all the bases, but this app is top of my list because it boasts a relatively large usership considering the demographic (150 million profiles at the time of publication), was specifically designed by and for ace- and aro-spec people, and is pleasant to use.
#2 BESPOKE
Distinguishing features: A newer app released just earlier this year, it’s high on my list because it was created by and for ace- and aro-spec people and it has the friendliest interface I’ve ever encountered. I can’t explain it; it’s like getting a hug every time I log in. However, while this app is available worldwide, at the time this article is being published, there is a relatively small usership (600,000), 98% of whom are English-speakers located in Australia and the Northwestern United States. Due to this, the usership's racial and ethnic demographics don't reflect global demographics, but they do reflect the regional demographics of the usership. Let’s hope it catches on in other parts of the world soon!
#3 COLERIDGE & KEATS
Distinguishing features: Target audience is ace-spectrum alloromantics. Coleridge & Keats is the English-language version, and the name of the app changes to the names of Romantic poets who wrote in the user’s chosen language. What can I say, I’m a sucker for a gimmick. This app has the opposite problem as Aces & Arrows in that fill-in-the-blank gender and pronoun fields ensure we get to use the terms that best fit us, but there’s no way to filter for gender. If gender matters in your matching criteria, this might not be the best choice for you. Usership is at 51 million profiles at the time of publication.
#4 THE GREY ZONE
Distinguishing features: Although its usership is still relatively small at roughly 3 million profiles, this one has a special place in my heart because it’s designed by and for grey/demi-romantic and grey/demi-sexual people. The interface can feel a bit clunky at times, but the company continues to refine it in yearly updates in response to user feedback.
#5 PRIME CONNECTION
Distinguishing features: One of the oldest and biggest dating apps, this one primarily caters to allosexual and alloromantic people, but because you can now filter by sexual and romantic orientation - and the filters are cross-referenced against potential matches’ criteria - it’s become an excellent option for ace- and aro-spectrum people, too. Total usership is at 6 billion at the time of publication. The company did not respond to requests for data on how many of those users are on the asexual or aromantic spectrums.
In conclusion...
If you’re on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrums and looking to date, I hope this little list helps you choose an app or two that’s right for you. And stay tuned to our website for more reviews of dating apps designed for ace- and aro-specs coming soon; according to Tech Wave’s June 2068 post, there are five more due for release over the next 18 months, and we plan to review each of them as they come out!
Note: This piece was originally published on inclusivefuturemag.com on 26 April 2021.
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