"Still Addicted to Animal Products?" (fiction)

"Black & white portrait of a cow" (photograph) by Martin Vorel at LibreShot.com

The following is a work of fiction by S.H. Aeschliman. Names, characters, businesses, events, and incidents are the products of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events is purely coincidental.

 

This ad ran in the Portlandia Weekly in October 2039 as part of a public service campaign 

backed by several Special Commissions of the Free Socialist Democracy of Portlandia 

as part of the FSDP's Cruelty-Free by 2040 Project.

Still addicted to animal products?

You know about the cruelty to animals. You know about the environmental impacts of animal agriculture. You know about the trauma inflicted on workers in the slaughterhouse and meat packing plants. You know about the health benefits of a vegan diet. You know you can't afford the costs of meat, dairy, and honey. 

You know, and you care. 

And yet you still can't seem to quit.

We understand. We can help.

At Conscientious Farms, you'll be immersed in a supportive community nestled in a gorgeous green setting for four weeks of leisure, learning, and a therapeutic treatment plan tailored to you.

On arrival, you'll be welcomed by our hospitality team and shown to your bedroom in the main house or tiny dwelling, always made from natural materials and free from toxins, allergens, and animal products. After getting settled in, you'll meet your personal consultant, a registered health professional with training in culturally appropriate mental health, spiritual, and dietary interventions. Together, you'll formulate your unique therapeutic plan, which could include any number of interventions, administered by experienced professionals: 

 cognitive behavioral therapy, polyvagal theory-informed therapy

confession, hypnosis, healing crystals

floating, acupuncture, massage, reflexology

Reiki, Pranic healing, quantum healing, Qigong, smudging

Movement-Based Therapy, art therapy, music therapy, psilocybin therapy

homeopathy, medications, Alpha-Gal syndrome therapy*

In your free time during your stay, you'll tend the garden, harvest some of the food you'll eat, befriend our fellow animals, join our tasting sessions, take cooking classes, hunt for wild mushrooms**, and of course eat 100% plant-based, cruelty-free meals prepared by award-winning chef Gaz Oakley, Jr. We also offer a well-stocked library, gym, indoor tennis courts, indoor pool, sauna, and our famous outdoor soaking pools fed by natural hot springs. In the evenings after dinner, feel free to retire to your private rooms, stargaze in the meadow, or co-regulate with the other members of your cohort by participating in karaoke, cards, board games, movie night, or video game challenges.

Best of all, as an organization sponsored by the FSDP Commissions for Animal Welfare, the Public Health, and Environmental Sustainability, Conscientious Farms can offer all of this at no cost to you.

Rediscover your sense of kinship with all living things and break free from your addiction to the products of animal suffering. 

Register for treatment at Conscientious Farms today.

Call 2978 for more information or to book your course of treatment.

*Due to their natures, the use of homeopathy, medications, or AGS therapy must be undertaken in consultation with your regular healthcare team. AGS therapy is offered for those who struggle in particular with red meat addiction and want an extra safeguard. We use cruelty-free synthetic Lone Star tick serum.

**Wild mushroom hunting only available in September, October, and November.